A Box of Contradictions
by xXThePrincessXx
Summary: The great Commander Shepard knows how to balance opposites well. This is a look at the triumphs and struggles of her life.
1. Enchantecd

_Hey! This is my attempt at a Mass Effect Fanfiction!_

_I own **nothing**. BioWare owns all._

_Enjoy!_

* * *

Enchanted

He pulled her close, closing his eyes and trying to imprint this moment on his memory forever.

"Take care of yourself okay?" He whispered into her hair.

"Of course Dad." She looked up at him and smiled. She stretched up on her tippy toes and kissed his cheek. "I'll be fine." She gave his hand one final squeeze before she moved off into the crowd. She seemed to glide away from him and he couldn't help but picture her as she was when she was a little girl.

_She came up to him, brown eyes wide, a smile on her lips._

"_Papa?" Her sweet little voice brought a grin to his face and he scooped her up. Her frilly pink dressed ballooned out around her skinny little legs as he twirled her around. She buried her face in his neck and said, "I'm so glad you're home." _

"_I'm so glad I'm home too, pumpkin."_

He pulled himself back to reality as his daughter's head was lost from sight. He tried to keep the butterflies in his stomach under control when he couldn't see her anymore. He had lost her once on Akuze; he didn't want to lose her again.

Shepard moved through the crowd easily, shaking any hand that was thrust towards her. This was big. She smiled slightly at the thought of it. A prototype vessel, out investigating the far reaches of space. It was any marine's dream. It was barely in her top five on her dream list, but now that it was so close, it was squarely at number one. She was giddy with excitement. And she'd be working with Captain Anderson again. She smiled broadly at the thought. This was going to be too fun.

"Commander Shepard." She turned toward the voice, her smile turning to a grin as she took in the man before her.

"Captain Anderson! I'm so glad you found me! I was just wondering when we'd get this show on the road!" He chuckled and began walking with her, nodding to those around him.

"It shouldn't be long now. We're just finishing up the secondary checks on all of the systems and supplies. We don't know when we'll be back." Shepard nodded at this, following the Captain toward what looked to be the hangar. She stayed close behind him, nodding to those around her now. She felt like she was going to explode from suspense. She wanted to see this ship, its crew, know the mission, get off of this damn station. She took a deep breath, and forced herself to calm down. This was her first big mission since the events of Akuze. The Alliance had kept her close to home, monitoring how she was doing to make sure she wouldn't snap. They had been steadily letting her have more control over her life the past few years. But they still watched her for any type of emotional or mental breakdown. Which she wouldn't have. Akuze had happened; she had dealt with it and moved on. It had taken her three years to accomplish this, but she had done it. Or so she told herself every night since "moving on" before she went to sleep. She nodded decisively.

"Good, I can't wait to get off the ground, as it were." They rounded a corner and she spotted the ship. It gleamed in the lights of the hangar, its metallic shine holding her gaze. She had always had a weakness for sparkly and shiny things. Her eyes ran over the name painted boldly on the side. _Normandy_. She liked it.

Anderson had directed her towards her quarters to get settled as soon as they set foot on board.

"I'll come over the comm. when it's time for introductions."

She had been sitting there for a good hour and half now. She had investigated the ship a little bit before she had gone to her room. But she hadn't looked too hard. She needed to regroup a little bit before she met anyone. She needed to remind herself of her rules regarding members of her crew.

Shepard looked around her for the thousandth time at the tiny bunk space that was standard to all Alliance vessels. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply to fend off the feelings of claustrophobia closing in on her. Growing up on space stations can do that to a person. And a few too many games of hide and seek in storage areas. She exhaled slowly and studied her nails, running her thumb over the imperfections she found in the nail polish. It was starting to chip. Time for a new color, a new style. It was a new mission after all, and a big one. She smiled and started to consider the possibilities. What would say "Commander Shepard" the best out of her nail polish collection? She was just warming up to the idea of plain old charcoal gray nails when static came in over the speaker above her door.

"Commander? You have been requested in the Comm. Room." She would have replied to this message quickly, except for the fact that she had no idea who was speaking. She stuttered a thanks then headed for where she thought the Comm. Room was.

"Ah, Commander, it's good that you're here." Everyone was seated when she walked in. There were a few open seats, but she opted for standing. This shouldn't take long anyway. "Everyone, this is Commander Katie Shepard. I'm sure you've all heard a lot about her. She is our new Executive Officer and will be joining us for this tour." Shepard inclined her head slightly at the applause that followed Anderson's introduction. He proceeded to introduce the rest of the crew. Dr. Chakwas seemed nice enough, though her eyes lingered on Shepard's face and studied her more than she would have liked. She had a strong suspicion that the Doctor would be watching her for any signs of weakness and would report back to Alliance Command as soon as she saw anything. The pilot, Joker was his name, gave her the creeps a little bit. The way his eyes roved over her body… was unsettling to say the least. The next few people that were introduced to her passed in and out of her mind quickly, Navigator Pressly, a few boys from engineering, a quartermaster and a very enthusiastic guy named Jenkins. She would take some time later to get to know them better. The last person introduced to her caught most of her attention however. A Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. A little thrill of electricity ran up her arm as she shook his hand. She felt herself smile up at him as he expressed how he couldn't wait to work with her.

Instead of listening to all that he had to say, she found herself studying his face. She was captivated by the expression it held. It was open; he was being honest then, in his enthusiasm. A flicker of delight ran through her as she noticed this. She clamped down on it and shoved it into the little box that held emotions that were not allowed in her thoughts anymore. She nodded as he continued speaking. Time seemed to slow down the more she concentrated on the man before her. How long had he been talking now? She didn't get far into figuring it out when she noticed something else. The way his eyes sparkled down at her seemed familiar… but she couldn't place where she had seen that look before. She went through her memories trying to place it, but she couldn't quite figure it out… Then it hit her. She hadn't seen that look since… since James had died. She sucked in a little bit of breath.

"Commander? Are you all right?" Alenko looked concerned.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine." Shepard forced a smile. He seemed to return it without thinking. Oh, this was going nowhere good.

"Well, I should probably return to my duties. Good-bye, Commander." Alenko saluted and then walked out of the Comm. Room. During the space of time that Shepard had zoned out, everyone else had left the Comm. Room. She was alone. She moved over to a chair and collapsed into it.

She hadn't zoned out for that long had she? Was she that infatuated all ready? No. Couldn't be. She raked through her memory and relaxed a little as she remembered the other members of the crew leaving the Comm. Room after being introduced to her. It made sense. Most of these people had been working together for a while under Anderson. She was the only newbie to the crew. She breathed a sigh of relief at this realization. Her thoughts turned to more pressing matters…

James. That was where the sparkly eyes were from. She shook her head, trying to clear it. But he was not James. He couldn't be James. No. She wouldn't allow it. She would be breaking her own rules, rules created because of James, because of Akuze. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. _Oh Katie_, she thought, _what have you gotten yourself into this time? You can't let this happen. You can't._ But she knew that she already had. Or had she? She could have been hallucinating; maybe his eyes weren't sparkling at all. She began to think about it, but changed her mind. That wouldn't help her, not in her current state of mind. Her brain took a different route. What of his enthusiasm at working with her? She stumped herself for a little bit with that one. Maybe he had read her file. It was impressive, not that she was in to showing it off at all possible moments. That must be it. It was the only _logical_ explanation. She exhaled and stood slowly. She exited the Comm. Room and went in search of Anderson for further orders. Kaidan Alenko. Just the thought of his name brought a half smile to her face.

She liked it.


	2. The Maw

_I own **nothing**. BioWare owns all._

_Enjoy!_

* * *

The Maw

It was about five weeks since Shepard had boarded the Normandy. Two since the events of Eden Prime. One since becoming a Spectre. She liked her new job. The major responsibilities were a piece of cake. But the big one, the whole saving the galaxy thing—that was her favorite. It was huge, just what she had been looking for when she had accepted the post on the Normandy. She had been looking for something to throw herself into, something to overshadow her past. This was it. She was also a fan because of the enormous cliché of her situation. "Save the galaxy or all shall perish." Puh-lease.

To make things even better, she had increased her crew size by quite a few when she had visited the Citadel. She had picked up Williams on Eden Prime, but she became a permanent member of Shepard's crew after the Citadel. She had also succeeded in picking up a Turian, a Krogan and a Quarian. All in one sweep of the Citadel. This was going to be too fun. She didn't have too much experience dealing with aliens, growing up in an Alliance family and all, but they seemed just like any other person to her. They just looked different. And now she was on her way to recruit an Asari who was the daughter of Matriarch Benezia. It was almost too much for her.

Shepard strapped her pistol to her belt, prepping for her first groundside mission as a Spectre. It was a small one, just going to investigate a little planet with a few anomalies on its surface on the way to pick up the Asari. It was also her first mission as Commander of the Normandy as well. She still didn't know about replacing Anderson. Back room politics were a bitch. Akuze had taught her that much. But she also knew that there really wasn't any way to combat them. So she reluctantly took the job, shooting Anderson as many apologetic glances as she could. Although it obviously tore him up to be leaving his baby, he seemed genuine in his request that she take it. He claimed that the crew knew her well enough and respected her enough that the power transfer would go off without a hitch. But she still felt bad.

"Commander," Joker came over the comm., breaking her train of thought. "We're gonna drop you in five."

"Thanks Joker." She made her way over to the Mako. Williams and Alenko were already strapped in and ready to go. Odd that neither had situated themselves in the seats besides the driver's seat… She nodded to them and then settled in to her spot as driver.

Alenko and Williams. Currently the only two humans in her crew that could go groundside with her. She figured this was the best opportunity to get to know them a little bit better. She had talked little with Alenko since her first rattling meeting with him, just a "Hello" in passing or a quick "How are things, Lieutenant?" Nothing major. Well, besides the whole Eden Prime exploding Prothean artifact incident. That had been the most that they had talked as of yet… He had looked so worried when she had woken up. And his little speech about why aliens should like her, sorry _humanity_, with the way that she described it… But who was keeping track? She knew absolutely nothing about Williams, on the other hand. She seemed nice enough, but they hadn't had much time to talk, what with all the shenanigans Saren put them through just to prove him a traitor. So Shepard decided that they would be at her back for this. She had a feeling that she'd need them at her back down the road when things got tough. 'Cause things always got tough.

"You guys ready for this?" She asked, turning in her seat. All she got was a nod from Ashley and a "Yes, ma'am" from Alenko. So much for getting to know them better.

The Mako dropped from the Normandy and hurtled toward the planet's surface. Shepard ground her teeth and braced for impact. It wasn't as bumpy as she had thought it would be.

"Lieutenant, can you check the map for me to see where those anomalies are?" Alenko kept it formal with another "Yes, ma'am". She rolled her eyes and gunned the Mako forward. Might as well get this over with as soon as possible since no one seemed to be in a chatty mood.

They had just passed in between two mountain ranges when it happened. It appeared out of the sand in a flash and Shepard jumped. She swerved out of the way just in time. Her hands tightened on the wheel involuntarily and she tried to maintain her breathing.

"What was that?" Alenko popped his head over the driver's seat to peer out the windshield. "Oh my god. A thresher maw." She flinched at the word, but focused on driving. She had to take this bastard out. For her former team. For her peace of mind. For revenge.

"Williams, man the gun. We're taking this guy out. Lieutenant, take a seat and monitor the radar for me." Another chorus of "Yes ma'am" followed her orders. She was going to need to teach these kids how to lighten up a little bit.

The Mako circled the thresher maw, its fire switching between rockets and the rapid fire of the machine gun. Shepard did her best to avoid the trunk of the thing and to dodge any of the slime balls it hurled at the vehicle. It was no easy task.

"Taking damage, Commander." Alenko stated from beside her. Her eyes flicked over the dials before her, taking in all that was damaged. A couple of the tires and the back right end. She squinted out the windshield next. The wind outside had kicked up. Sand was blowing everywhere, lowering visibility significantly. It wasn't enough to hide the thresher maw from her view however. She judged the situation before her, then made a snap decision. She twisted the steering wheel around in a sharp U-turn and charged the monster. She had no idea how close it was to dying, but she knew that this fight wasn't going to end well on for her if she didn't do something soon.

"Give it everything we've got." She shouted back to Williams. In response, the gun overhead fired several rockets in quick succession. Over the now howling wind, Shepard heard the beast squeal and saw it start to slump forward. She was so close. Shepard floored it, hoping that the Mako wouldn't give out on her. It couldn't, not yet. The machine lurched forward, closing the gap between itself and the thresher maw in minutes. This was enough time for Williams to have more rockets ready to fire. They exploded out of the cannon above and hit right on target. The thresher maw let out another, more violent squeal and pitched forward into a sand bank. Shepard had to slam on the brakes to keep from running into what she assumed was its corpse. She stared grimly out of the windshield at the mass before her. This had seemed relatively easy to kill. She hadn't been in immediate danger of death. She frowned, wondering if her memory was that awful or if it was simply the fact that she had heavy weaponry with her now that had helped her defeat the thresher maw with relative ease.

"Commander, there is an anomaly just East of here. I'll mark it in the radar." Shepard started at Alenko's calm voice beside her. He wasn't fazed at all by what had just happened. Perhaps her memory was bad after all and the thresher maws were not virtually invincible monsters that terrorized her past. She checked the Mako's status once again before inching it forward and away from the thresher maw. It should be able to hold until they reached the anomaly. The damage wasn't too extensive that…

Immediately in front of her, something materialized out of the sand. Another one? Did they all live in _packs_? Shepard gunned the engine and swerved out of the way. She could hardly see with the wind teasing the sand into the sky, but she had to get away. One thresher maw she could handle. But two? Two was too much. She careened away from the foe behind her… only to have it appear on her right. Dammit! She swerved harshly to the side, missing it by inches.

"That's it," She muttered through ground teeth, flooring the gas pedal for the second time. The Mako groaned in protest, but shot forward anyway. _Come on baby, come on baby, get me away from that thing._ That was Shepard's mantra as she zigzagged through the unknown. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw it appear again. She took another harsh turn, trying to lose it. She had no idea where she was going, no plan for escape, no plan for _survival_. _Just get me away from it_.

"Commander, look out for the—"

Metal grinding on metal. Glass shattering into a thousand pieces. Everything went black.

For the second time in three weeks, Shepard woke up in the med-lab of the Normandy. _Shit._ She sat up and rubbed a hand over her face. She winced as her fingers brushed her left eyebrow.

"Careful." A hand carefully pulled her hand away from her forehead. She felt blood began to trickle down her face. She held her breath and stared at the ceiling as Doctor Chakwas dabbed at her eyebrow. She closed her eyes and exhaled as Chakwas pulled away. She braced herself for the conversation that was to follow.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Shepard opened her eyes, caught by surprise. She didn't say anything, however. She just looked past the doctor's right shoulder.

"No? Okay." Chakwas turned and picked up some thread and a needle from the little tray on the next cot over. "You got beat up pretty bad down there." She took Shepard's right hand and examined it. Shepard examined it too. It was crisscrossed with bandages. The doctor put the needle and thread down for a second, and began to peel the bandages off. Shepard grimaced in spite of herself. Gashes covered the back of her hand. Blood oozed lazily from the side of one near her thumb. They looked deep. Chakwas looked at her briefly.

"I'm going to have to stitch these closed otherwise they'll get infected." Shepard only nodded as the doctor retrieved the needle and thread once more. She inhaled sharply as she felt the first tug of the needle through her skin. She focused on the wall ahead of her, willing her thoughts away from the stitches that were making their way across her hand.

"You did a real number on the Mako, Commander. Bashed in the whole front end. The tech boys aren't too happy with you." A smile pulled at the corners of her mouth. "It must have been pretty hard to see down there. The wind was gusting at 95 miles per hour. It whipped up some huge dust devils." Shepard felt the doctor's eyes on her face. She kept her expression in control. Chakwas knotted the thread and snipped off the small strand still looped through the needle. She then reached for some more thread to start on the next gouge in Shepard's hand.

"I'm not here to spy on you, Commander." Shepard looked at her sideways. She had heard _that_ story enough times. "I've read your file. It's incredible how you've been able to pull through these past years. You are a remarkably strong woman, I won't make the mistake that the Alliance has made in thinking that you need a babysitter." Shepard looked Chakwas full in the face now. The woman's gray eyes seemed sincere. Shepard was inclined to believe her. She was so tired of keeping things secret, tired of projecting the image that she was perfect, that she wasn't affected at all by the things that happened on Akuze. It would be so tempting to cave and let Chakwas in on everything she was feeling. The new shame she felt for mistaking a swirling pile of sand for a thresher maw. The fear she had of running into more thresher maws on other worlds. But Shepard couldn't. She couldn't let Chakwas in on that kind of stuff. She would feel obligated to tell the Alliance that Shepard wasn't nearly as all right as they thought she was. And Shepard would be yanked back into Alliance space never to leave it again. The doctor studied her face for a second longer, narrowing her eyes. Then she returned to stitching up Shepard's hand. Shepard shuddered internally. Had Chakwas just seen through her façade? It felt like the doctor had seen through all of the pretenses and had caught a glimpse of Shepard's thoughts.

"It helps to talk about it you know. It sounds like a load of bull, but it does help." Shepard made no response. There was silence between them for a while. Chakwas had just started to close up the last wound on Shepard's hand when she asked quietly,

"Do you want to talk about it?" Shepard considered the pros and cons quickly once more. She arrived at the same conclusion.

"Nope." Her voice was hoarse and she quickly began coughing. Her throat was scratchy and dry. Damn sand. The doctor finished up the stitches and obtained a glass of water for her. As the water soothed her throat, Shepard considered the woman before her. She seemed all right. This little visit hadn't gone at all like she had expected. There was not an "overreaction" conversation. There wasn't a pity speech either. It was merely a heads up kind of conversation. The more she thought about it, the more Shepard thought that sometime, not anytime soon, but in the future, she would come back to Chakwas and have a talk with her. Once the water was drained, Shepard hopped off the cot. She went to swipe her bangs out of her eyes when Chakwas grabbed her hand. She looked deadly serious.

"Leave that cut by your eyebrow alone. It should heal all by itself, but if you keep pawing at it I'll have to stitch it up too." She gave Shepard a stern look. Shepard smiled.

"I'll do my best doc." She strode over to the door. Just before she left Chakwas spoke up again.

"If you change your mind I'll be here. Stop by if you want to talk." Shepard paused. She let this register in her mind before leaving the med-lab. Yes, Doctor Chakwas would find herself in Shepard's confidence later rather than sooner.

Shepard camped out in the Captain's quarters the rest of the day. She didn't have the nerve to go up to Joker and tell him to maintain orbit around the planet, so she told him over the comm. She had practically sprinted to her room after leaving the med-lab. She had completely forgotten about Mr. Alenko until she had been assaulted by memories of him waiting for her directly outside the med-lab after the Eden Prime incident. She had checked to make sure the coast was clear before hurrying to her room. She wouldn't be able to face him or Williams for a couple of days. She heaved a sigh. Hiding wouldn't help anything.

Shepard spun idly in the office chair that accompanied her desk. She had spent the initial hours of her self-imposed exile studying all of the information she had on Saren and his evil plans. Sadly, there wasn't much to study. She had lapsed out of studying sometime in between her fifth and sixth look over of her measly evidence against Saren. Somehow she lapsed into thinking about herself. How could she have mistaken a dust devil for a thresher maw? A small voice in her head told her that it was the adrenaline that had distorted her vision of the truth. A larger portion of her brain told her that she was paranoid. She didn't want to believe that, but she knew that adrenaline could have only done so much for her in that situation, and warping her vision of the real world was probably not on the short list of things that it "helped" her with. She was frowning at this logic when she heard the door hiss open behind her. She whirled around in her chair. Kaidan Alenko was standing in her doorway.

"Commander." His face paled as he took in her appearance. She hadn't bothered to see what the cut on her forehead looked like. It must be pretty bad.

"Lieutenant." She replied and made an effort to make her smile seem more genuine. "How can I help you?" He stood in the doorway awkwardly for a moment before taking a tentative step forward.

"Just checking in, Commander." She cocked her head to the side. He hurried on. "I wanted to see how you were doing, Commander. You got hit the worst when we ran into that mountain range. I had to carry you to the shuttle. You were out cold." The smile faded from Shepard's lips. _Again?_ She was told that Alenko had also carried her to the Normandy after she had been possessed by the Prothean artifact. That probably wasn't the best way to make a first impression on those under her command. The great Commander Shepard fainted every ten seconds, be ready to catch her. She could have died at the thought.

"Well, um, thanks?" She chuckled in spite of herself. What did it matter really? Alenko had managed to see her in her "weakest" moments; he had already made his opinion about her. He was still here, so that had to mean something. The Lieutenant smiled sheepishly then continued quietly.

"After we got back I read your file over again. I should have been more informed. This whole thing could have been avoided." He sucked in a deep breath. Shepard held hers. Was he blaming himself for this fiasco? Interesting. "I can perform more detailed scans of planets before we land to avoid any more thresher maw attacks." Shepard shook her head.

"That won't be necessary." The silence was thick.

"Do you want to… I don't know… talk about it?" Alenko looked slightly uncomfortable. Shepard thought about this for the thousandth time since Chakwas posed the question to her. She did want to talk about it, but she hadn't found the right person to talk to yet. So she settled to talk, but not about "it". She smiled.

"Let's go out to there?" She gestured vaguely to the door behind him. He looked relieved.

"Of course, Commander." They settled themselves at one of the tables set up in between the med-lab and the captain's quarters. No one was around and Shepard vaguely wondered what time it was.

"How well did you know Jenkins?" Alenko seemed slightly taken aback by the question.

"Well enough, I guess." He looked puzzled.

"Tell me about him." Shepard leaned back in her chair, allowing herself to get to know the man that she had lost on Eden Prime. It took Alenko a little bit, but he eventually became animated, telling all sorts of stories about the things he and Jenkins went through including something about a biotic kick. After the stories wound down, he looked confused again.

"But, Commander, what does Jenkins have to do with today?" Shepard was quiet for a while, absentmindedly picking at her nail polish.

"I've lost a lot of people, Alenko. I wanted to get to know Jenkins more so I could deal with his death appropriately." Alenko still looked perplexed. "I know it's been a while since Eden Prime, but I want to do Jenkins's death justice. I don't want to dismiss it simply because I didn't know him. He deserves that much." She shot a look across the table. Then she added quietly, "They all deserve that much." Alenko was silent. Shepard shook her head then stood.

"Thanks for this." She smiled, looking him over. "Until next time?" He nodded and as she walked away, she wondered when _that_ would be.


End file.
